For Men Only: How To Never Lose Another Umbrella

Wait.

Make sure your lady is OUT of the room.

Or better yet, out of the house. Are you all set? Good. I'll make it short, 

in case she sneaks back in, because you were so eager to get her out, that you

 overdid it by giving her your credit card and car keys. Here it is... Get a pink umbrella. Get

 a tote-sized, bright, monochrome pink (that's pink only, for you art majors) umbrella. I've 

had  mine for seven years, or something. Ain't no shame fellas. Ain't no shame. I've left it at work, 

on the bus, in restaurants, at Fenway Park, at my mama house...and it's always gotten back to 

me , before I've gotten too far. Once you get yours... Men will be too embarrassed to steal it. 

Women 

will want 

to see 

the look of 

horror on your 

face when they 

return it and 

then compliment 

you about being 

secure in your 

manhood.

Kids won't 

want it, 

because kids 

don't want 

what they 

already have 

or that you're 

too eager to 

give to them, 

such as chores, 

consequences, 

advice, and 

Amoxicillin.

And after all 

this time, I've 

finally figured 

out to fix my 

umbrella when 

the canopy 

separates 

from the tips.

If you want 

to know how, 

let me know

...if you dare. :)